#11: BEFORE THERE WAS CRAIGSLIST

(BETSY and a POTENTIAL RENTER enter the now abandoned 2nd floor study of her Philadelphia townhouse.)

POTENTIAL RENTER: Oh, Of course. I'm the epitome of tidy!
BETSY: (throwing a bunch of sewing supplies everywhere as a test) So this is the room.
POTENTIAL RENTER: (Picking up all the supplies out of sheer instinct) Oh, it's gorgeous. I could really see myself here.
BETSY: Not so fast. What sort of hours do you keep?
POTENTIAL RENTER: Some could say I'm a night person -
BETSY: AHA! I'm afraid that just won't do. (Opening the door) Good-bye and good luck.
POTENTIAL RENTER: But they'd be fibbing!
BETSY: (closing the door) Fibbing? So you're a (gulp) morning person?
POTENTIAL RENTER: (overlapping) morning person!
BETSY/POTENTIAL RENTER: (put off) Just like me... / (giddy) Just like you!
BETSY: So, you're tidy and you're a morning person, yes my girl, but whether or not you wind up renting my study is predicated on a lot more than that. Believe me. This is not tea and cookies. This is real life. REAL. This is complex.
POTENTIAL RENTER: Oh I almost forgot, here are the handwritten references you asked for in your announcement.
BETSY: I'll examine them later... (unsuccessful scare tactic) with my attorney!
POTENTIAL RENTER: You know, the writing on your poster at the tobacconist was so small. I had to put on my fancy glasses to read it. It's almost as if you didn't want anyone to be able to read it.
BETSY: (lying) Poppycock! That would be foolish. Of course I wanted people to read it. I want the whole world applying to live her.
POTENTIAL RENTER: That's what I suspected. Everyone else said you were just being (whispering) the S word! And that you secretly wanted this big old house all for yourself.
BETSY: The S word?
POTENTIAL RENTER: S - E - L - F - I - S - H. (She giggles a giggle.)
BETSY: (not wanting to be caught) Wha, why, who, now who who could suspect such a thing? Why would silly little me want a whole big nice spacious house to myself when people like you are hopping off the boat each month and moving to Philadelphia looking to take my home? Selfish! Never never never never never.
POTENTIAL RENTER: King Lear, Act Five! "Never never never never never".
BETSY: NO THEATRICS IN THIS HOUSE!
POTENTIAL RENTER: Brava! I love when you pretend to be mad. It's good, it's sweet.
BETSY: Listen to me and listen to me good...
POTENTIAL RENTER: We're going to be besties Betsy. I can sense it.

(Beat. Betsy's terrified of the idea. She's getting inexplicably desperate. As if she doesn't even know why this scene is happening. Maybe no one does.)

BETSY: (Out of nowhere and overacted) OH MY! Did you hear that?!?
POTENTIAL RENTER: No, hear what? (suddenly serious) Oh no, I get it. You passed gas. Well, you're excused. Those biscuits take no prisoners.
BETSY: No you stupid thing! I need privacy!
POTENTIAL RENTER: Betsy, you're so funny! I love you.

(She goes to hug her.)

BETSY: Don't touch. Now listen closely. The walls. In the walls. It's the bugs, the termites.
POTENTIAL RENTER: Termites? I hear nothing.
BETSY: That's because they - they just stopped. That's right. All of them. All five hundred - no thousand no million. All five million of them. In the walls of this room. The room you want is infested with killer bugs. I knew I overlooked something in the advertisement of this room. Sorry. Have a good life!
POTENTIAL RENTER: Termites in here? Never. The wood's solid. You are one for the keeping, Betsy Ross.
BETSY: Betsy Ross... (New idea:) So right here, the murder happened like this. (She demonstrates senseless stabbing.) The blood went there. We cleaned most of it. The killer was never caught. Left a note saying he - OR SHE - would be back to kill again. Ten stab wounds in her sleep. She - the victim - looked a lot like you - YES SHE DID.
POTENTIAL RENTER: Murder? Blood? Sleep? What will you think of next! You're so FUN! And FUNNY!
BETSY: (thinking of a way to send her packing) I bring the horse up here to bathe it. Hourly. On the hour every hour. I scrub it. And it smells. Bigtime.
POTENTIAL RENTER: I love horses, I'll do it whenever you don't feel up to it.
BETSY: (trying harder) They say the British left some gunpowder hidden in the walls and just a slight lightning storm or burning candle or noise even could explode the whole room at any moment. KABOOM!
POTENTIAL RENTER: What God wants God will deliver. Amen. I'll go get my jammies.
BETSY: Wait!

(BETSY grabs her by the wrist. The POTENTIAL RENTER freezes.)

POTENTIAL RENTER: Aw, I get it. I get it Betsy.
BETSY: You do.... ?
POTENTIAL RENTER: Of course. I can see what you are trying to do. And you are so unbelievably... sweet!
BETSY: No sweet no sweet. Unsweet. Unsweet roommate!
POTENTIAL RENTER: Tomorrow morning first thing we'll bake a cake. Then you can teach me to sew. Then after tea, singing! It can be like friends do in books.
BETSY: I have malaria!!!
POTENTIAL RENTER: I'll go make soup.
BETSY: I'm f*cking George Washington. I'll hang!
POTENTIAL RENTER: I won't tell a soul.
BETSY: Ugga-poka-Hiss!!! I'm a witch!
POTENTIAL RENTER: You're so complex and layered. I love it.

(She bear hugs BETSY.)

POTENTIAL RENTER: I love you. We're going to best friends forever and ever and ever! I will never leave.

BETSY: (slow turn to the audience) H - E - L - P (Beat.) M - E (Beat.) S - I - G - H (She sighs a desperate sigh of defeat.)

(and...)

BLACKOUT